drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
