i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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