Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
