dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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