We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
