I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
