I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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