You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
