If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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