Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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