you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
