Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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