piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
