Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
