I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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