No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
