everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
