Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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