Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
