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I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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