He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
