Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
