Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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