Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
