Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
