I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
