my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
