ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
