im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
