is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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