I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
