Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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