Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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