There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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