I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
What a dumb baby whore.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
