the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
