im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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