dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
