The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
