my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
