she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
