How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
