A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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