when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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