I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
