I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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