I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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