I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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