I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
