Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
