You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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