in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
