We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
